the cool calm quiet of the morning

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Often I find myself sitting on the rocking dock at the base of the wharf as the morning moves through the quiet wake of the day. First sounds are from a variety of bird, song and waterfowl. There is the constant sound of water gently moving against the dock, a kind of lullaby. Sometimes the otter will swim past or occasionally join me on the platform. In a few weeks there will be boaters and the lake will gradually invite swimming but for now it is an enveloping calm and that is a gift.

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I have been enjoying the close proximity of loons the past few years but have yet to meet the wee babies and each early summer that is high on my wish list as I sit on the waters edge with a sweater wrapped around my shoulders and a thermos of hot coffee to combat the damp feeling of the shoreline. Sometimes while my eyes are set on one thing, something else literally flies by and the shift in focus, the startling of a challenge to perception is jarring. Last week I swear this goose was playing chicken with me!IMGP4365

Like most experiences, small moments mirror larger opportunities. If you are focused on one specific detail, the big picture becomes blurred and you may miss an important detour. The way we see and process data is increasingly altered by technology. I listened to Robert Bateman talk about the importance of green spaces and children being exposed to nature and I fell a little bit in love with the 82 year old weathered painter in a worn sports jacket, with a body of work that staggers painters and businessmen in entirely different ways.  What makes us rich, what is our legacy,  may have little or nothing to do with our accomplishments but how we fit into the bigger picture and one step further, how we hold open the door to that experience for those who walk behind us.

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Green spaces are important to all of us, from the entry with mouse eyes and all around the circle to back again. From the cool calm quiet of the morning, until the brilliance of sunset and the soft velvet darkness that closes the day, I hope you have a moment, that takes your breath away.  Easter weekend is a marker for renewal and rebirth, and as such a small reminder to simply take time – breathe. ❤

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from Judy, on her 57th birthday

there was a movie, to gillian on her 37th birthday…. but, twenty years later one learns, from is often more important than to.

 

It has been a kind of tough week here with our kitty hospice plan, one that is about offering whatever favourite foods, windows, sunbeams and snuggles make our boy comfortable and happy. It is sort of what we want for everyone we love in closing days. We recognize Izzy is time limited, and it gives us the moment to reflect on the obvious, all of us in fact are. We just do not all know the expiry date.

That said, I think a good policy is to take the wonder offered you, whenever it comes your way and this week I have had some lovely kindness shown to me and for that I want to say thank you.

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I am usually big on birthdays. Everyone’s including my own! This year I made my wish early and asked if it would be okay to just be real with what is in the moment and if that is happy, or if that is sad, to just be with it absent the need for a timed celebration.  Today is  pretty good here and that is a bonus gift. I get as well celebrations are for all of those involved and I am sorry to have been a wet blanket, be forewarned next year, game on!!!

I have spent a couple of hours weeding and puttering in my garden, I have been in and out in a normal summers way following the always good advice whenever you can stop and pet the cats  ;).

Lots of notes and a few phone visits found me in nice moments, and a guest stopped by for an afternoon snack,

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My sweet niece and great nieces and nephew offered me a mid day celebration, which I could not make work, but it does not wholly matter because I feel it to the tips of a very big smile. So, from Judy, (sorry for the third person voice), on her 57th birthday….. my wish for all those in my world and in my memories, take the love that is offered you, give the love you can.  Try not to be afraid of risks, if it is not the outcome you imagine, maybe it is still a plan in progress.  Let go of self consciousness, we are each absolutely fine the way we are this very moment.   Be your own best self. Be your own real self. My choice today was no big dinner, no cake, no candles – take out pizza will be on the menu, a glass of wine so a toast instead of wishes.  This is an amazing life, on its hard days, on its grand days, it is ours for the moment. Jump into the deep end, don’t worry about the splash! And as always, walk softly, it is a world of fragile things, amazing and precious ones -each of us included.

letting go

I write this blog, from the little yellow house in the big woods. It is prone to a very personalized picture of the way rural life can work. We have bears and coyotes wander through, raccoons who become quite familiar, and over time our inside four leggeds have switched from dog heavy to a cat bonanza, small gifts from the big woods. The interesting thing is, I would never have described myself as a cat person, famous last words. One spring a young feral cat pushed her way under the boards of our old house at a bit of foundation retreat and in the underspace had her kittens. We determined their lifespan outdoors would be very short and over the space of several weeks when making friends failed we used the friendly trap and one by one we brought in the kitten pack, including mom who was barely more than a kitten herself.

The transitions were not all smooth, we had to gain their trust as furless two leggeds and the stories are many but the one I want to share is Isaac’s story. Isaac was a beautiful little sleek black kitten who would be all but invisible in the shade of a leaf as he napped in the daytime. He was an explorer and a wildly playful one who would blindside his mom as she sat watch for her brood. He climbed the trees and used small branches to leap from one spindle of the hedge overhang to another, he was the first kitten to come inside.

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He was so small, though we do not know their dates exact we thought about 8 to 10 weeks old. We brought him into the laundry room and when we opened the trap in his frantic race to escape he sprang head first into the freezer, not once but twice before hiding behind  the fridge. My daughter stayed in the room and tried coaxing and bribing and eventually cornered him and picked him up to her sadness his response was to detach and become limp, to give up. Feral cats are not picked up by things that aren’t planning to eat them, so, it took a while before he started to understand that wasn’t the outcome plan. He broke us the first night when he would go the the register above the crawl space and cry into it for his siblings. Those first few days he became so wonderfully attached but his understanding was like pre toddlers in the space where they do not know you are still there if they cannot see you. He wanted a constant companion.  When the next kitten came in a few days later we were relieved he had a mate. We did not plan to have a bunch of cats, we planned to get them people ready and re home. It took a huge investment of time and trust, months for the mom, and by then we surrendered to life with the cat pack. Isaac, laughing one, had the first of many laughs on us. He is the Alpha cat . When any stressors come up, he takes the foreground and the others fall in behind him. We have learned so much about their communication systems by being a parallel pack of beings now fully integrated.

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Around february, Issac started losing weight. At first we thought it was a good thing as we had been trying to bring their sizes down, one thing you will know about ferral to tame is the trust in abundance is never really there and stress eating is not just a people thing. By March we made an appointment and had first check up, nothing seemed wrong, but the weight kept dropping. In April we did a senior blood screen and everything seemed pretty normal but the weight kept dropping. We bought a scale and monitored the weight, increased calories to see if he could gain some but it wasn’t going well so on the last appointment we agreed to a surgery that would either allow us to go forward and have the next expected five years of life, or know we had made one more strong try. Everyone including the vet was hopeful. I was hopeful. Tuesday morning at my yoga class during savasana I found myself with such a clear visualization it was as though watching through a window. Izzy, his little self at about a year old, walking in blowing sunlit grass, a hazy gold to the sky. His face alert, exploring, he was alone again without his pack, an alpha first to check out this new place and I knew in my heart no matter how much i wanted not too, it was a good bye. I could not stay with the meditation, or in the room, Tears fell and fall still. I truly hate good byes.

It might seem when whole towns have burned to ash – when countries become unsafe for their citizens and perilous re homings are daily news, when there are so many things of magnitude to consider, to be fixated on the life of a small feral cat an indulgence. I understand that. The thing is though, when you learn that all life is precious, that life interactions teach us a love story that enriches our spirit and that all loss includes grief, there isn’t a sliding scale for value. life is life, love is love and while this story is not wholly over, its end not fully written, we understand recovery isn’t part of it. Izzy comes home tomorrow to be with his pack until he lets us know it is too hard to stay and then we will let him go the rest of the way.

Before the kittens came in, I felt it absurd we were so committed to their rescue. I was losing my mom in pieces at the time. Ed was in transition with work and health both now strong and better than we had imagined, but at that time I felt like saving one thing I might be able to impact might get me through. In a lot of ways, it really helped. In the course of being less focused on human demands, we took a turn at learning to be more humane and that is a gift I will keep always.

I am trying to reconcile the sorrow i feel with the image of a kitten walking through tall grass, beginning a next adventure in a new place, and knowing in part when the next pack mate leaves us, they will not end up somewhere alone, .

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weekend workshop

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This weekend I participated with a small group of painters gathered in the Vernon Arts Center in a workshop offered by Kelowna artist, Alex Fong.  I have done a few watercolors over the past few years, but even on the ones that found their way to showing have left me envious of the lightness of hand and unguided paint mix on paper I have seen but no so much achieved.   I thought I would enjoy something outside of the comfort zone.

The group was smaller than registered which actually turned into a really nice thing for those of us in attendance. I did find myself challenged in a number of ways, trying not to get stuck in  the absurd self imposed pressure to produce in a room with some pretty prolific painters, I simply had to let that one go.

When I paint at home I start with creating space. I have music, I have a candle, I make a small offering and invitation to the process. This was a classroom setting. A freakishly quiet one the first day especially before a music source was located, and people worked – I am a slacker! But, while I figured out what I struggle with, I also took home a practice list in my head which is the thing I always glean from participating in workshops and watching demos.

I get mesmerized watching people paint, and in this watercolor and some acrylic processes, contrary to popular belief, one can enjoy watching paint dry!  While I beat to death the watercolor application on fish shapes, Alex paused for a two minute goldfish on my sketch pad,  I smiled at it this morning and tucked it neatly on my wildly disorganized cork board.

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I am just about to unpack my basket of things from the workshop, I have a couple of hours before this morning rolls into appointments etc., so while i will start with a walk in the garden and survey the ever growing list of what really can’t wait for weeding, feeding, mulching etc., I will also take a few moments to move paint in a way that is different from my usual approach. I appreciate the strength of limit in watercolor, the underworking as an approach. It is very different from my usual way of under planning. It will not become in all likelihood my medium of strength but I think it will be a fun place to spend some time.

The paintings at the top of the page were carried home! The benefit of a small workshop allowed each person to receive a gift of a personal made for you painting, (i know, lovely right!), and the flower with the leaf turning so elegantly was mine from an end of the day draw!

Reading through some quotes on watercolor, I think this one is closest to my current understanding…You have to negotiate with this medium. It wants to have some say in the work. If you ignore it completely, it will scream ‘Liar’ at you. (Bill Vrscak) . But there is a sense of balance that appeals to me. I have written on the difference gender and life experience  in the developing role of a painter. Sunday, as we all know was mother’s day. My day was a shared breakfast with those at home, a lovely day of being in the garden, dinner and the best berry shortcake made by my daughter near by, a good phone visit with my far and away girl,  a lovely gift to share with my painting friends as we converse in the green spaces painting bits of summer. All aspects of my world flow together, family, garden, photography, paint, and the strengths vary, the pressure from soft to compelling, the light always present, the patchwork always its own kind of perfect. Thanks for stopping by.

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lateral steps

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Tomorrow i can pick up the tiny piece of beautiful art i purchased from the local gallery, i can hardly wait! I should start with, I do not buy art. Not because I do not wish to, but currently I have neither the income nor space to make that a good idea. I buy art supplies and cram them into every bit of space available for my older still days!  I have a highly enviable stable of one day artists to own list building in my head, but for now, I just don’t. The exception has been a wee carved hummingbird that I love. The artist’s bio is what moved me from the art i will someday own, to i just must take this spirit with me in some way.

There is today and tomorrow left in the show so you could still stop by and have a peek and take time to read the biography pages, they are inspiring.

I share this as I struggle on the closing days of the call for submissions with the children’s hospital project. Each time I try to put something together, I am taken back to that long and impossible time in my life and I think I might have to let this one go at least for now, maybe sometime after submissions close i will have a gift for sharing. I don’t know yet, I find time lines are hard for me.

 I am grateful for all of the wonderful  words many of you have shared with me on my experience in kamloops and winning an award. I am grateful to say the least.

There is an extension of the show coming up in May with invited pieces – some local, some far away, all wonderful. If you are included, I am excited to see your work again in our home venue! I didn’t know how to address this because my work was not selected and I had planned to say nothing because, it is what it is. It does not require explanation from the gallery, and I will never know exactly why because I do not need to.  I was disappointed but that happens. I felt as though the pieces submitted were strong, I am happy with them and they had a nice response in hanging. I felt like the link between supporting an artist I do not know, but whom I admire at a soul level and being given an honour, was the way i understand karma. Not the karma people smugly say will get you if you mess up, but that it will lift you when you lift another. In a book i picked up last week I flipped to a page I now cannot find, but it was a quote regarding Georgia O’keefe, to the effect of, she liked to have her own show, before the public show. In such she could really look at her work and determine what was strong and what wasn’t.  A space to  form her own opinion and in so doing she could hear the good, the critical and let it all flow out the same window. In such. she was at peace. 

Creative work must be its own voice of approval or dismissal.  Everything from the outside should be taken lightly and set free.

a long time away

I have felt as though I have abandoned this part of my project, though the writings and drawings stack in a folder that grows, even now, as my year of living quietly has kind of changed up.  I have had work in a few shows this year as winter melted to early spring I felt the busy carve into the stillness and a fierce need to protect deep pockets of quiet places.

In February I started a yoga class 2 to 3 times weekly.  I thought this was a gift for someone else but it quickly turned into a self gift that also requires a commitment of time.

Yesterday I picked up two beautiful books on watercolor painting and this time next week I will be gathering up things for a workshop. There is a lot I want to learn to do, life is a classroom with so many rich options.

While mowing the grass today, skimmers float over the dandelions,  early butterflies and hummingbirds delight along with me in the fragrant lilac bushes in their early stage of open. A deer has squashed a cluster of iris bulbs in making its bed, I have set the trail cam in case it is a repeat resting place.  The shadow of the osprey circles the grass as she flies overhead, their sound is both the morning and end of day in the summer months ahead.

Time is gift.

There are stories I am waiting to share here, but for this brief moment, a check in to see if the page still opens, and the pen still writes.